FAQ

Q: How has COVID 19 changed counseling?

For me and most counselors and therapists, our sessions are now conducted online using Zoom. As long as you have a good internet connection, we’re able to do good work. There are even some advantages. The biggest one is that people are more comfortable in their own home, and that really helps. Also I’m able to offer sessions regardless of where you live. As long as you have decent internet, we can work together.

Q: How many sessions will we need?

It varies of course, depending largely on how much unhealed trauma you brought with you into the relationship and how deeply painful it is now.  Past trauma, addiction, mental illness, and other factors complicate things.  When those are not present, people usually arrive at a place where they feel confident in their trust for one another and in their new ability to repair any future injuries in between 8 and 20 sessions. When they are present, it will take longer.

Q: Are there some people you can't help?

When there is addiction without recovery, when there is violence, when mental illness is untreated, when one of you has decided the relationship is over, or when there is an ongoing affair, I can't be helpful.  If you are a victim of violence, please immediately seek safety for yourself and your children.  If you are an addict or struggling with a mental illness, please seek treatment from a physician or licensed mental health therapist.

Q: Only couples?  Or do you work with individuals also?

If you’re looking to do individual work and you think I might be an especially good fit for you, then call or email and we’ll talk about it. EFT is very effective for individuals as well. I focus primarily on couples because that seems to me to be where so many people are hurting and where there are few good resources available to them. I know: I've been there.

Q: Why do you do this work?

For me, the joy and meaning in life comes through connecting deeply with what is good and true and beautiful. And the most moving and profound experience I have of that connection is with people. (Connecting with nature is a close second.) As a counselor I have the privilege of accompanying people through the truth of their pain and joy, their nightmares and their dreams. As a compassionate witness I get to be a conduit of the power of love and healing that always surrounds us - it is simply a matter of helping people receive the healing and safety that is always offered us.

Q: Are you a licensed therapist?

I am not a licensed therapist nor a mental health practitioner. I am a counselor, and I primarily counsel couples.  I do not use the medical model of diagnosing an illness and then treating it. EFT is “non-pathologizing,” meaning that rather than looking for something wrong or diseased, we’re looking at the relationship and identifying the blocks to safety, connection, and intimacy. Through my years of training as a hospital chaplain alongside my medical colleagues I became very familiar with the medical model, its strengths (I go to my physician at least once a year) and its limitations.  Mental illnesses exist and I am grateful for the medical professionals who can treat them. But it also seems to me - and there is recent research to support this - that if what you’re looking for are diseases and pathologies, that’s what you’ll find.

In addition to my training in EFT alongside my therapist colleagues, my formation and skills come from my religious tradition as it has been informed by both science and clinical experience. I have been a Presbyterian pastor, one who attends to the relational, emotional, and spiritual needs of the people I serve. In traditional language, my vocation is the care of souls. So my attention goes to the heart, to our heart-space, to our emotions and how they are interwoven in our relationships. So often what ails us is not a mental disease but a broken heart (traumatized by pain or abuse or neglect). This it seems to me is the core of our humanity and what we have to compassionately attend to if we are to experience more than just relief from symptoms, but the restoration of wholeness and whole-heartedness, both within ourselves and in our relationships.

Q: How much does it cost?

Sessions last 75 minutes (1h 15m) and are $250. Consistency makes a difference, so ordinarily we’ll meet every week, with exceptions of course for vacations, business travel, or illness. Please let me know 24 hours in advance if you need to cancel a session.

Q: Will our insurance cover the cost of couples or marriage counseling?

Health Insurance reimburses only for the diagnosis and treatment of physical or mental illnesses, only for what they consider to be “medically necessary.”  Couples or marriage counseling is not considered medically necessary, so health insurance doesn’t cover it. Additionally, insurance only reimburses licensed medical professionals. I’m a counselor, not a therapist. So I can accept only private payment.  Venmo seems to work well for everyone as a means of payment.

Q: Can you say a little more about EFT?

Emotionally Focused Therapy is the most rigorously tested, most effective therapy for couples in distress. The counselor's job is to lead the two of you on a journey where you will discover for yourselves that you care about each other and respect each other. (It may be hard to believe that really exists. But I consistently find that under the numbness and the pain there is a heart for one another that still beats.) That's the goal, the destination. Arriving there comes only after many small steps: you'll come to know your deep, unmet needs and longings, and how to share that with your partner. The two of you will learn to respond to that vulnerability with compassion. To get there, we have to find our way through the hurt and fear that have brought the two of you to a halt. And to do that, we have to hear what your anger, anxiety, and stonewalling are trying to say. 

While every couple's relationship is unique, they all tend to be a variation on the same basic structure, which is determined by our experiences as small children. So EFT is able to provide counselors with a map for the journey you'll be taking. There are nine steps over three stages. And ICEEFT provides counselors worldwide with the training to lead you on that journey. It is not a short journey. But if love isn’t worth being brave for, what is?

Q: Are you going to try to get us to believe what you do?

I'm helpful when I can listen to and understand you, not the other way around.

Q: Are we going to talk about God or spirituality?

Only if you want to. Part of what I bring to counseling that therapists formed only in the medical model lack is the ability to talk about the parallels between what's going on in your relationship with each other and what might be going on in your relationship to God or Source or Love with a capital "L". Trust, honesty, intimacy, vulnerability, love, fear, hope, anger, connection, distance, accessibility, absence, responsiveness, and silence - all these exist both in our relationship to the one we love and in our relationship to the Source of Love. I delight in helping people make these connections, but not every couple is interested in that conversation. And that’s just fine, of course.

Q: What did you get your PhD in?

In theology. I delved deeply into how we connect to God/the Sacred/the spiritual dimension of reality. Put succinctly, we connect with God through our emotions and intuitions. The way we know and commune with that deeper reality is through our hearts. Our minds are always playing catch-up at best. The heart has a way of knowing what the mind can never grasp. The mind looks out at the universe and sees emptiness. The trusting heart looks out and sees that it is full of Love. This is something a textbook cannot teach. But it is no different than how you know you love your partner or your child.

Now I have a question for you: Is there any good reason to wait longer before you take a step in the direction of hope and healing? If you’re ready to be done with waiting and want to begin healing, I'm ready to help you.